I was recently talking with a friend—I’ll call her Priscilla (not her real name)—about her struggles with reaching her health and fitness goals. Priscilla has been making it to the gym about three times a week and getting in some good strength and cardio workouts, but she’s feeling so frustrated with not seeing results.
As we talked, Priscilla’s struggles resonated with me. I wanted to share the story as I thought it may resonate with many people who have struggled with weight and body image.
Telling the story
I asked Priscilla what she thought was getting in her way. “No idea. Bad food. Even though I’m getting to the club and walking my dog every day it all seems like a waste of time.”
All I could really muster up in response was, “It’s never a waste of time. There are definite health benefits.”
She continued. “I’m just so mad at what I did to myself.” She was referring to gaining over 40 pounds over the course of a couple of years, hitting her highest weight ever. “I’m just trying to stay under the weight I’m at now. It’s a scary place to be. It’s been over a year since I’ve even wanted photos of myself taken.”
Finding the right words
It’s hard to see a friend struggling so hard with their confidence and well-being. And it’s hard to know what to say, how to maintain the line between supportive and encouraging without coming across as unintentionally pushy or “judgey.”
You try to help, but maybe push too hard. You say nothing, then get scolded for not being supportive. You say something that’s meant to be encouraging, but somehow it defeats her. It’s not easy for either person.
Understanding the emotions
“I know how some of it started,” she said. “I just don’t know how to get back to where I was.” She started gaining the weight after the loss of a relationship. She binged on pizza and ice cream. I would see the empty boxes in her trash, but said nothing. Then, not long after her relationship ended, she lost her pet after 14 years of companionship. People who have pets know how emotionally devastating that is. A few months later I noticed her getting heavier, but said nothing.
Fast-forward a year and she asked me, “Why didn’t you say anything?” To myself I thought, yeah we know how that would go. But then realized it was more my own discomfort about her potentially getting upset with me and my own discomfort with seeing her upset, that kept me from saying anything.
Accepting support, giving support
I’m learning to forego my own discomfort and accept that sometimes I may not say precisely the right thing or phrase a question eloquently.
Now I’m saying things. Or, more accurately, I’m asking her tough questions and being gently persistent in nudging her to think about it, to talk about it. After all, Priscilla is the one who will tune into what she needs, where she wants to be, and make the choices to get there.
Uncovering the barriers
I care deeply about Priscilla and want to see her happy and healthy. But the truth is, I don’t know what is preventing her from moving towards her fat loss goals. I don’t think she’s completely aware either.
Her words played in my head over the next few days. Early one morning when I was driving home from the gym I sent her a text. “I was thinking on my drive home today about what you said — ‘I’m just so mad I did this to myself’ – maybe you need to forgive yourself.”
Her response: “I know where it started but I’ve never recovered from what I did and just trying to not do worse.”
I gathered she was less excited about my epiphany than I was and felt that old familiar discomfort of “maybe I said something wrong.” But I let it go and reminded myself that next time I’ll ask a question, not make a suggestion that could be off the mark.
Still. This got me thinking: How many of us may need to forgive ourselves for the way we’ve treated our bodies or our whole selves? How many of us aren’t even aware of how we’re treating ourselves?
Opening up and embracing possibilities
I’ll leave you with a few questions to ask yourself or to ask someone else.
- Awareness
- Are you aware of how you feel about yourself? Can you articulate those feelings?
- Are you aware of how you talk to yourself? Are your words kind or hurtful?
- Are you aware of what’s getting in your way?
- Are you aware of what you need to get where you want to go?
- Forgiveness
- Do you blame yourself?
- Do you put yourself down?
- Do you feel you’re not worthy?
- Commitment
- What are your goals? How will you reach them?
- Do you have a plan? If not, what do you need to create one?
- How can you help people support you? What do you need from them?
- What are you ready for at this point? What can you realistically commit to?
- Patience
- Have you congratulated yourself for making a healthy choice lately?
- Have you recognized the importance of small changes you’ve made?
- Are you keeping perspective on how many small changes lead to big change?
- Is your plan working for you? Is it too challenging for where you are? Not challenging enough? Do you need to revise it?
Take a few deep breaths and say something nice to yourself.